I’m not going to lie. I’m in love. This weekend, I couldn’t stop thinking about her. COULD NOT. I had a dream about vampires last night and she was in it. I am crazy. I’m going to have to move away to shake it. This shouldn’t be happening, but it is. I could just start poking girls on Facebook like Michelle suggests and see what happens. I could just go out and meet some more girls. That won’t solve anything. That’s no cure for love. Love is not a sickness. I wish I could embrace it.

At least I have family to help me. Kirsten’s kids are awesome. I spent Friday and Saturday with them. We watched Meet the Robinsons last night. It’s about a super smart orphan who longs to meet his real mother, yet is waiting to be adopted by a family. It’s cute. After the kids went to bed, KT and I watched Epic Movie. It was mediocre at best.

In the morning, we took the kids to their soccer game. It was fun. I was taking shots off the little one and trying to get the older one to focus on his dribbling. Controlling the ball is a big thing in soccer.

Kirsten and I got to talking about “control.” I was controlled by my mother most of my life, so I finally got a taste of freedom and loved it. She yelled at me yesterday (about my life and my future). I told her about what happened between me and the last one. She told me it was hard for her as a single mom. We always came first in her life. I hate to admit it, but she’s right. My child would always come first. I couldn’t image the personal sacrifice… but I understand. You gotta be able to stand up for yourself and be happy to move on. I can’t believe I’m still stuck, but I guess that’s love. Time is irrelevant.

We went to see Bee Movie today. It was pretty funny. Wacky, yet slightly odd. I feel like this is turning into a Live Journal post. I miss the kids already. I’m going to have kids some day. Just gotta seal the deal. I’m probably just holding on to false hope, but it’s the only hope I’ve got these days. At this point, I know it’s impossible. At least I have kids who look up to me and little minds to shape.

Michelle and I are going to a Halloween party together as Adam and Eve, or ancient Grecian guy and ancient Grecian girl. I don’t know what I was thinking when I agreed to this. We’re wearing togas. Don’t ask me why. It’s all her idea. Michelle is no Meg Ryan, but at least she’s the only BFF I’ve got in this world.

Georgia is in heat. She’s going crazy. I’ve never seen cats in heat before. I never had pets growing up really. A mouse that my mom killed. Some beta. A cat that ran away when I was 6. Since Clair, I’ve had quite a few pets. Carl the Teddy Bear Hamster who died late last year, then Devon, Nemo (my beta that died while Heather was around), and now Georgia.

Moving to New York seems more of an option with every waking moment. I’m securing interviews and looking for places to live. This move is going to be costly, but there’s really nothing holding me back here anymore. I really want to stay in San Diego. I really do. But I can’t wait. I want the rest of my life to start as soon as possible, and it doesn’t look like it’s going to happen here. She said she was so glad I waited for her, but damn, girl, how long am I supposed to wait? I wish decisions like this weren’t so hard. I wish people were strong enough to change. I wish people wouldn’t hide in fear from being themselves. I miss her with every breath I take.

So with my new websites, some capital for my business coming in, and contract money, I can support myself and my babies for a few months until I start remodeling the house. Teak floors, area carpets, a light tan-colored wall. Also the walk-in closets and the new bathroom will be a nice touch. I’m going to do that crazy thing with 8 shower heads.

Moment of Zen:

I am NOT going to New York to meet some woman who could be a crazy, sick lunatic! Didn’t you see Fatal Attraction? …Well I saw it and it scared the shit out of me. It scared the shit out of every man in America.

KT, if you’re reading… Yes, I’ll go to the boys’ soccer game this weekend.
And kt, If the sun refused to shine, I would still be loving you/When mountains crumble to the sea there will still be you and me. –Led Zeppelin

Proving Facebook IS better than MySpace.